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Listening to Elton John talk about compassion this week (at a little event that little old me went to at the House of Commons) inspired me. If compassion can change the lives of so many - if it can save the lives of 5 million people as Elton inspiringly shared his foundation had achieved at the House of Commons this week, what can’t it do?
Here’s another question - what would the world look like without compassion? Without firefighters willing to risk their lives to save people from burning buildings? Without the compassion of the brave people who hid their neighbours during the holocaust? Without volunteer workers who hand out aid in war-torn countries, or respond to natural disasters? Without donations to charity? Without the friend who looked after your little one when you had no one else to ask (*shout out to my wonderful friend George*)? Without mothers who care for their children’s grazed knees? You could argue that compassion is a vital life force that we need in some cases to survive, but almost always to thrive.
It can certainly change our lives, particularly if we are struggling, feeling low, or just not ourselves. Research tells us that feeling compassion towards others can lead to better mental and physical health including speeding up recovery from disease, and it may even lengthen our lifespan. The explanation for this might be found in the fact that the act of giving to others increases our wellbeing far more than the joy we feel when ‘give’ to ourselves.
Some inspiring quotes on compassion:
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” ― Plato
“Compassion is the basis of morality.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer
“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ― Anne Frank, diary of Anne Frank: the play
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” ― Dalai Lama
And amazingly, the same is true even for infants. Another study found that little ones even as young as two experienced increased happiness levels when giving treats to others over receiving treats themselves! Whether or not you have experienced that at home is another story - I remember Summer demolishing an entire adult sized ice lolly I had bought us to share last July - she wouldn’t even let me have a measly lick (she was only 19 months at that point though - I’ll let her off).
Self-Compassion toward ourselves can be hugely beneficial too, with research showing that self-compassion is strongly associated with psychological wellbeing including higher levels of happiness, increased optimism, curiosity and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failure. Woah.
But what exactly is compassion?
It’s more than just ‘kindness’. According to a scientific review of compassion, there are three requirements:
That the troubles or suffering is serious
That the cause of the suffering or troubles is unjust
That the suffering or troubles are relatable to us, or we must be able to see ourselves in the same situation.
With regards to the final point here, this is the most interesting one for me, and I think where most people find the barrier that stops them from fully experiencing compassion and therefore reaping its benefits. If we can’t put ourself in someone else’s shoes, we can’t imagine that we might suffer the same troubles, then we find it hard to feel for them.
Without sounding too intellectual, Einstein sums it up well here:
“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
― Albert Einstein
Self-compassion is explained as “self-kindness versus self-judgment; a sense of common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus overidentification”*. Again - the thread of connecting to others - connecting to our shared humanity runs through. If we think of ourselves as separate, and ‘other’ - or a group of people as ‘other’ to us, then compassion (and it’s benefits) cannot exist.
Your child and compassion
And what about learning compassion as a child? I’ve found that children are naturally compassionate. I’ve stubbed my toe and cried out in pain only to find my little one Summer come to my side to give me a hug and a kiss. If that’s not compassion, I don’t know what is. To her, my pain felt serious. She knew something had happened to me by accident rather than being self-inflicted. And most amazingly, she understood my pain - she felt it because she had experienced pain too. But don’t just take my word for it - a fascinating study by the Berkeley University found that the size of children’s pupils increase (a sign of concern) when they see someone who needs help — but their pupils become smaller when they know they can help that person — or when they see someone else help. This suggests that children seem to care mainly that a person’s suffering is alleviated (whether they are the ones alleviating the suffering themselves, or not).
So if children have an inherent understanding of compassion (isn’t that amazing?), our job then, is to nurture it. Elton John shared in his speech that his children donate to the Elton John AIDS foundation out of their own pocket money. He went on to say “You can’t teach children from a young enough age about love and compassion”.
And that’s my ethos too, and why I share tools and activities designed to nurture compassion. After all, who doesn’t want their children to be happy, optimistic, curios, connect to others, with low anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failure? Who doesn’t want them to recover quickly from illness or live a long healthy life. Teaching your child compassion could be one of the best things you do for your children.
The wonderful thing about practicing compassion with your little ones is that it’s mutually beneficial to both of you! As you teach and practice compassion with your little one, you also benefit from the transformations it creates in your brain and your wellbeing too. Now that’s bang for your buck… not that it costs anything!
ACTIVITY: One easy way to incorporate compassion into your day with your little one is to have a ‘compassion conversation’.
Talk about anyone in your life, or someone you come across in your day who may be having a tough time, and take a moment to ask your child a few questions to get them thinking from a point of compassion, and then ‘wish them well’. Maybe it’s aunty Claire who just had an operation and is at home recovering. Maybe it’s a homeless person you walk past. Or someone on TV. It doesn’t matter who.
Ask:
Do you think they are hurting - where, in their body or their heart?
Is it fair that they are suffering?
What would it feel like if that were you - what would you need?
And then let that last question guide you to send them compassion - it might be as simple as wishing them well and saying out loud together “I wish the person on the TV is in a better situation soon”. You might suggest calling or texting Aunty Clare to tell her you both hope she feels better soon, or make her a little card. It could be that you donate a couple of pounds to a homeless charity and let your little one do it with you online. Let your compassion lead you to an act of kindness with your little one, no matter how small, and over time, let them come up with ideas as you nurture their skills of compassion.
