Weekly letter: Germs, gallivanting and the dark thief of happiness that is expectation...
Plus reframing the stories we tell ourselves to be truly happy...
There’s a period every winter when everyone gets wiped out with bug after bug, as the germs circulate in households with tiny children all around the country. And while the little ones sniffle and cough, us poor adults have to deal with the snotty noses of our children, and of our own faces. And I don’t know about you my friends but it seems to me that this time is now. Over the last few weeks our house has hosted two colds, one stomach bug (thankfully Farrar and Summer avoided that - lucky old me just had it), and two, YES TWO rounds of COVID. Just as we’d get over one bug, Summer would come down with another and we’d know that in a couple of days we’d be shuffling around feeling sorry for ourselves all over again. It’s amazing to me that the little ones often aren’t hit as hard? Is it because their immune systems in their brand new little bodies are better than ours? A 2021 study found evidence about adolescent immune systems which might explain why infants are less affected by COVID than adults.
They found that when faced with a new pathogen that the body had never seen before, children’s immune systems were stronger than adults. So, if the bug you and your little one come down with is one you have never had before, this may explain why your little one isn’t suffering as much as you are.
I can generally get up and get on with it - there’s no option when you have a little one is there? But for me, there’s nothing worse than having to work and put your best foot forward when you feel like death warmed up. So this week when I had a freelance event that I had been looking forward to all week booked in (with an overnight stay and lots of meeting, greeting and networking), and I woke at 3am feeling sick, I knew I was going to be in for a bumpy ride. Luckily, in one way it worked out well - Summer was out of the house at my parents, so there was no risk of her catching it. One major crisis averted. And also, Farrar was coming with me to keep me company. Unfortunately he had decided to extend the trip as a little pre-Christmas present for me and take me to stay at the the beautiful Babington House. I say unfortunately as I just couldn’t enjoy it for all the things I would usually enjoy it for - the spa, the margarita before dinner - THE DINNER - the gym, the little walk around the grounds, the inspirational chats about next year’s dreams with Farrar - all of them disappeared down the toilet, so to speak.
How do you deal with these situations? When something unavoidable, something that is no one’s fault, happens to prevent you from your plans? It was incredibly difficult not to fall into the constant trap of “Oh no, I can’t believe, If only I didn’t have this bug, I’m just so annoyed I can’t…”. I felt nauseous, lethargic, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t use the gym or go in the spa. And on top of that, I threw on another load of symptoms - FOMO, regret, frustration, feelings of injustice. In mindfulness or buddhism, this is called ‘Shooting the second arrow” - you can listen to the lovely story which explains it all here. These thoughts - these stories are just secondary suffering on top of the primary problem (or first arrow) that has inflicted pain - in this case my stomach flu. So, I tried to see the good. I was somewhere where I had no jobs, no house work,no baby to look after. I had a lovely bed, and, if I allowed myself, I could just lay in it, and get better. And that’s what I did! A long nap while Farrar entertained himself at the gym and spa (his favourite pasttime), and as dinner time rolled around, I managed to go downstairs and enjoy an evening. My mocktail wasn't quite the same as the margarita I had looked forward to, but it was better than the way I had felt all day.
I think a lot about expectations. When we look forward to something, we can’t help but think about all the details - and these details and hopes of what is to come, often turn into expectations. If the details aren’t in our control however (when are they? Especially when other people - especially when children are thrown into the mix), then disappointment is often waiting for us around the corner. But what if we met the moment fresh - with no expectation? What if we met the person anew, without expectation? What if we allowed ourselves to simply see what is in front of us and enjoy whatever is there? Because expectations only exist for us to compare the reality to, and we all know, comparison is the thief of joy. And so, I think about the margarita once more - it didn’t exist in my reality even though it had in my expectations. But a glass of water, the lifting of nausea after a day in bed, the simple conversation between me and my husband after not having the energy to talk - why that in itself, in that moment was everything I could have (realistically) hoped for.
The next few days were low energy - I slept in, I enjoyed what was infant of me and I rested when I could. I couldn’t enjoy food, but I found myself looking elsewhere for enjoyment - so here are a few snaps of our time away and the little moments I enjoyed - a log fire in bed, some inspiration interior design, the fun of off roading in nature, and of course, the hug from my little girl after a night away from her, and her smile at the magic of Christmas…